My Little Arlen: Texas is Magic
by MacDuff Beer
Summary: Chaos breaks loose when a portal is opened between Arlen, Texas, and Equestria.
1. Portal

Bill, Hank, and Boomhauer stood outside Hank's house, more specifically, in front of his fence.

"Yep."

"Yep."

"Mmm-hmm."

They all stood around awkwardly, since Dale was supposed to bring the beer. _Got-dangit, Dale..._ Hank thought to himself, looking at his watch.

Dale just then pulled into his driveway at high speed, almost destroying the garage. He then jumped out while the car was still moving, ran up to Hank, grabbed him by the shoulders, and started babbling incoherently. None of them were really sure what he was talking about, but they could pick out the choice words, "portal", "magic", and "Obama's alien brigade".

After a few minutes of this, Hank replied in a deadpan tone, "Dale, where the Hell's the beer?"

"Yo, tell ya what, Gribble, dang ol', just need to calm down, man, just, relax, calm down, use full sentences, man. Just, dang ol', slow down, Gribble," Boomhauer said.

"Yeah, Dale, listen to Boomhauer for once. Just slow down and explain to us again what happened," Hank said in a condescending tone, as if talking to a child who had done something wrong.

After a good thirty seconds of panting and coughing, Dale started, "Okay, so I was out driving to get the beer, right? And all of a sudden, I see these couple of grey vans stopped ahead of me. Now, I'm no idiot; I know that those are the alien department CIA, obviously after me for the alien urine I purchased a while back, Quite frankly, I'm surprised that they took so long to track me down, but-"

"Dale, stick to the topic at hand." Hank scolded.

"Right, right. So, I make this sharp turn left, going off road. And I, uh, may or may not have crashed into a tree, but that's irrelevant! What's important is that I got out and ran into the woods. So I'm running from Obama's alien brigade in the forest, when I think that I've lost them. But, unfortunately, in the process, I also lost myself. So there I am, middle of the woods, when all of a sudden, I come across this huge, and I mean HUGE tree. It has to be at least 200 feet tall, if not taller. So I'm thinking to myself, 'How the Hell did I miss this?' when all of a sudden, KA-BOOOOM!" He gestured wildly to mimic an explosion. "So I'm knocked to the ground, and I assume it's because Obama's alien brigade are testing out their weapons on me. But then I remember that if they WERE, all of my flesh would have been melted, along with most of my bones. So I stand up, and look around, and lo and behold, a magic portal is right at the base of the tree! So I go up to look at it, and uh..." He blushed a little and remained silent.

"What, what happens next? What happens next?" Bill asked.

"I-I really don't think you'll believe me..."

"Oh, no Dale, whatever you're about to say is surely more ridiculous than Obama having an alien brigade. Got-dangit, spit it out!"

"Okay, okay, fine! I saw... this... weird-lookin'... ANIMATED forest, with... with... um... p-ponies in it. U-unicorns and, and pegasi, and... whatnot."

The trio stared at Dale incredulously.

"Um, Dale, you know that bench you've been making?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, have you been going outside for fresh air every so often when you varnish it?"

"Yes... maybe..."

"Dang ol'... ponies?"

"You have to believe me! Hell, I'll take you down there if you want."

They all shrugged, a bit too worried about Dale's mental state to laugh, and shuffled away for a moment.

"Dang ol'...talkin' 'bout... ponies, man..." Boomhauer murmured to himself. _Ye Gods, could it be true_? he thought to himself. _Have my deepest wishes been granted? Could... could Equestria exist?_

* * *

"So, Hank, how was your day?" Peggy asked Hank.

"Oh, same ol', same ol'. Sold some propane, talked out in the alley, feared for Dale's sanity. You know, just an average Wednesday."

"Wait, what about Dale?"

"Oh. Well, we were talking in the alley, and instead of his usual nonsense about conspiracy theories and whatnot, he claimed that something legitimately happened to him. Something about a portal into some pony cartoon, or something."

Peggy glared at Hank.

"What?"

"Hank Hill, you just let your friend act completely delusional, and brush it off as it was nothing?"

"Well, so? I'm sure it's just Dale being... Dale, you know?"

"But what if it's not? What if he's finally lost it and you just brush it off as 'Dale being Dale'? What then, Hank?"

Hank sighed, and said, "Fine, Peggy, I'll go talk to him. He said he knew where it was, so, I'm going to be out for a while."

"Fine, just do what you have to do. Dinner'll be waiting when you get home."

In about fifteen or so minutes, Hank convinced Boomhauer and Bill to come along with him to go check up on Dale. It took another fifteen minutes to convince Dale to go back there, and another fifteen to drive there. Finally, it took yet another fifteen minutes to locate the tree.

When they finally managed to find it, they all agreed that it was worth the wait.

* * *

Just like Dale had described, it had to be 200 foot tall, and yet somehow invisible from a distance. What he failed to mention, however, is that the tree was carved with intricate designs and ancient pictographs. And, of course, on the roots laid a portal to a cartoon forest.

Bill stared slack-jawed at the portal.

Hank also stared dumbfounded.

Dale was talking about he was right, and the end times.

Boomhauer's face lit up like a kid's face on Christmas as he whipped out a camera and started taking pictures.

After another couple minutes, they all stared in awkward silence. Bill made a couple comments on how "purdy" it looked, and Boomhauer just kept giggling.

"So... now what?" Dale asked.

"Dang ol', tell ya what ya do, man, talkin' 'bout, dang ol', we all jump in on the dang ol' count of three, man, like, talkin' 'bout, onetwothree WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Dale looked at Hank. "Can we Hank?" he asked enthusiastically. "Can we, can we, can we?"

Hank sighed reluctantly. "Um... sure... I, I guess.. after all, if there's an entrance, there's bound to be an exit. Everybody- ugh- hold hands... on the count of three... one..."

"TWOTHREE!" Boomhauer yelled, dragging them all in.

That was the last thing they remembered before passing out

* * *

Hank looked around. Of course, he was in a forest. _It couldn't be..._ he thought to himself. _I don't think I have my glasses, must just be vision problems. Hold on here..._ Hank felt around for his glasses, before finding them. He put them on before they slipped slightly off. He used his hoof to push it back into place.

Hoof?

* * *

Up in Canterlot, Princess Celestia asked on of her guards, "Did you hear something?" She looked out the window, in the area of the Everfree Forest.

"Like what, your royal highness?" asked one of the royal guards.

"Oh, I know it sounds silly, but... I could have sworn I heard somepony go 'BWAAAAAH'!"

"No, your highness, I have not heard said scream. Unless, of course, I was intended to. In which case I most certainly heard it, your highness!"

The alicorn chuckled. "Oh, Swordhilt, you're such a suck-up." She tussled his hair, playfully.

"I am aware of this fact, your highness." At that moment, there was someone furiously knocking at the door. Swordhilt rushed over to see who it was. "It appears to be Lieutenant Stradust. Do you wish for me to open the door, your hi-"

"**_Yes_,**" Princess Celestia said, without hesitation. She knew that Stardust was the guard in charge of, well, guarding the Royal Gardens. The Royal Gardens, while containing other irreplaceable items- such as statues- also contained _another_ certain statue. She personally rushed to the door to open it.

Stardust was panting, as if he'd run straight from the Garden to the Princess's Headquarters in only a few seconds. In between gasps for air, he managed to get out "Statue... Discord... stolen... _gone_..."

Celestia looked at Stardust. She said with a dire tone, "So the statue of Discord- that is, his prison, the thing keeping him from breaking reality- is gone, and it presumed to be stolen?"

Stardust nodded furiously.

Everyone stayed silent for a moment. "Out," Celestia said in a near-deadpan tone. "Everypony out now."

The other Royal Guards respected her wishes, slowly backing out. Celestia tried to calm herself and walked slowly to the window, gazing out her window.

* * *

Once again, a sharp, distinct "BWAAAAAAAAAAH!" flowed through Ponyville, particularly through Twilight's house.

She got startled, again, and dropped her book. _Again?_ she thought. _Huh, two "Bwaaah"'s in a row. I wonder if anything's wrong?... nah..._ She picked her book back up and kept reading. It was a pretty good book.


	2. Guards, Guards!

Hank, by this point, wasn't even using words. He was just sputtering, incoherently. Bill was conflicted on his emotions, and didn't know whether to be terrified, or to be ecstatic. Dale was ranting to no-one in particular about how he was right and the rest of them were all "government sheeple" for not believing him. Boomhauer, on the other hand, was jumping around, and spinning, and talking faster than normal about how much he loved life, and how he was never leaving.

After a few moments, Hank regained his thought, and was absolutely furious. He was at the point of anger where all signs of rage are washed away, leaving only hateful words and destructive actions in a calm tone. He looked up at Boomhauer.

"Boomhauer, I swear, if we are stuck here, and cannot get back home, I will quite literally kick your ass- or flank, I don't know what to call it- so hard that it will break my leg. And with my broken leg, I will limp to where you landed, and start hitting your head against the nearest rock or tree. **Repeatedly**. And then you will most likely be dead. What I'm trying to get at here is that _I will kill you_."

All of them were deathly silent. It was common for Hank to threaten to kick someone's ass, and just as common for him to follow through with it. What they never heard, however, was a completely serious threat to murder someone. Under the circumstances, they supposed that it made sense, with being separated from his lawn, his job, and, above all, his family, but it was still eerily dark to hear him make a death threat.

They took this moment of stunned silence to look around them. Hank was a normal earth pony, slightly taller with a more muscular build than the rest, with a dull yellow coat and dark brown mane. Dale was also an earth pony, a bit shorter than Hank, with more of a lanky figure, a pure white coat, and a startling vibrant orange mane. Bill seemed to have got the short end of the stick, the shortest and fattest of them, with a neon pink coat and purple mane. Boomhauer, in contrast, seemed to have got it the best of them all, with a tall, muscular figure, dark maroon coat, jet black mane, and two glorious wings.

Looking around, it seemed that, yes, everything was in fact animated. It was almost hard to wrap your mind around, having everything suddenly all cartoon-y. Even though it was impressive, and even beautiful, it was different from the reality of theirs.

After a few seconds of awkward silence, Hank was the first to pipe up, saying "Now are we just going to stand around here all day, or are we going to find some type of civilization."

They all agreed with Hank without hesitation, in fear he would snap.

* * *

After a few obscenity laced minutes of trying to locate some proof that here were other ponies, ("Dammit, why can't civilization be in the middle of the woods?" Dale asked at one point) they finally found a house isolated in the middle of the forest. Well, perhaps you couldn't really call something like that _just_ a house- it had to be at least five stories high, and was actually a hollowed out tree with a house inside.

"Well, should we, uh... break in?" Dale asked, sheepishly.

"Now, hold on a second, I'm sure that there's some kind of law against hat. Even cartoon horses have laws. Probably," Hank replied, still with a hint of anger in his voice. With good reason, too. On the whole walk to this place, he had been thinking about the chance that he would be stuck there, and the things he might never get to enjoy again. _No Peggy... no Bobby... no Ladybird... _ _no Buck Strickland_... _no Alamo beer..._

"Well, I for one think we should break in. You know, just to take a look around, wait for the owner of the place to come back."

"Dale, that's breaking and entering."

"No it's not!"

"Well, we're going to be breaking into this guy's- pardon me, this _stallion's_ house and then entering it."

"...oh. Well, it's not breaking and entering if the door's unlocked!"

Hank simply facepalmed (facehoofed?) at Dale's stupidity. "Okay, fine, you guys try to break in, I'm going to go look for actual proof of civilization. Hope y'all have fun breaking the law."

"We will!" Dale exclaimed, waving to Hank. Since he wasn't quite accustomed to walking on four legs, he fell over.

And with that, Hank walked away.

* * *

_Maybe there's still hope,_ Hank thought, walking down a crude path paved with stones. It was rather uncomfortable to walk on (he made a mental note to buy some shoes, or at least horse-shoes.) _Maybe there's a portal back to Arlen. Maybe there's a propane establishment here. Maybe they serve beer. Maybe it's Alamo beer!_ As he was deep in thought, he bumped into another pony- or rather a zebra. His glasses fell off again.

"Oh, I'm sorry to have disrupted your glasses," she said. She muttered "Maybe if your reflexes were quicker than molasses..."

"Hey, I heard that! And, besides, I'm not bad with reflexes, I was just thinking. Really hard." As he put his glasses back on, he looked at he figure speaking to him. She seemed a bit taller than him, though that may have just been due to the fact that she had a mohawk. She had a couple golden loops around her neck, with a similar set of rings around her left-front leg, and a set of earrings that looked vaguely similar. He also noticed that on her flank, there was a swirly-type imprint. "Um, excuse me, miss? I was just curious, what's that on your... um... flank- not, not that I was looking or anything like that!"

"Oh, surely you can't be serious- perhaps you're just delirious? Have been in a cave, in the dark? It's called a cutie-mark. Everypony gets one as they mature- oh, don't tell me, you don't have yours?"

"Now, no need to be insulting! I'm just new in town, and I'm not quite used to the customs yet." He paused for a moment. "I do have one, right?" He spun around, trying to check his flank. The zebra just laughed. He noted how humiliating it was and finally located it. It was, of course, in the shape of a propane tank. "Huh. Well I'll be damned." He stood up, trying to act like that never happened. "So, what brings you to this neck of the woods?"

She sighed. "I was out to the local market- and maybe to get a haircut- but these guards stopped me at the gate to town, stating with a somber frown, 'We are truly sorry, we are, Miss Z, but the town's closed- princess's orders, you see.'"

"Wait, do you always talk in rhyme? Also, the town itself is closed?"

"It's simply my custom, there's no need to pout! Oh, and yes, we're all locked out."

"Well that's just bull! Tell you what, Ill go sort things out with these guard fellas, okay? Oh, and I probably should mention that there are some guys trying to break into your place, I think. I don't know 'em, so you should probably check it out."

The zebra simply let out a quick shriek and ran back towards her home. Hank cantered towards the city gates.

* * *

After half an hour, the trio had still not been able to open the door.

"Bill, are you _sure_ it's unlocked?_" _Dale shouted.

The first method they'd tried was just to open it. Sadly, none of them had any clue how to wrap their hooves around something, so that was a problem. The second thing they tried was using their mouths. This didn't work either, and besides, Bill had gone first, and no-one wanted to use the handle after it had Bill's saliva on it. Their third and current attempt was to have Boomhaurer try to pry the door open with his wing. Neither of the plans have made any progress.

"Yes, I'm sure that the door's unlocked!" Bill was standing on top of a nearby bush to look in the window. Dale pushed hm off.

"Let me see! Oh, it is unlocked. Huh."

"Gribble, come on, dang ol'... ain't gonna work, just gonna be locked. Probably has some kinda witch's voodoo, black magic curse on it, tell ya what. Dang ol'... magic..."

At this point, out of nowhere, there was a strike of lightning and the deep rumble of thunder.

"_**MAY YOUR SOULS BE FOREVER TRAPPED IN TARTARUS, TORTURED BEHIND THE IRON**** PORTCULLIS!**_" A mighty voice boomed. The source of it seemed to have been from a zebra. Both Bill and Dale ran as quick and as fast away as they could. Boomhauer lingered for a moment in awe before joining them.

"WOOO-HOOO! Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout, just saw dang ol' Zecora in reality, man, like, wait till them guys on them forums hear about this!"

Bill looked over at Boomhauer. "Wait, how do you know her name?" he asked, suspiciously.

Dale glanced over. "Yeah, that does seem rather odd."

Boomhauer looked at the two. "Hehehe, just... just dang ol' guesswork, you know, man?"

It was at this point all three of them ran headfirst into a tree, since they were all looking at each other.

Zecora stood over them all, smirking. Boomauer's expression rapidly changed between utter joy to complete terror.

* * *

"What do you mean, 'The city's closed'?"

Hank was arguing with two guards outside a booth reminiscent of a toll-booth. The city behind the booth was surrounded by an impossibly high fence.

"Sir, I mean _the city is closed,_" said one of the two golden-armored guards standing outside the city enterance- the gray one. "And it's not just us, it's Ponville," _I suppose that's what this place is called,_ Hank deduced. "It's Canterlot, and Celestia said she's considering to close up Appleloosa as well!"

"Well, why?"

"Princess's orders," said the white one, "so it's confidential."

Hank sighed. "Well, can I talk to the- ugh- can I talk to the... _Princess_? Like, over the phone or something?"

"The what?" asked the grey one.

"The telephone. You know, pick it up, talk into it, other fella talks back?"

The two guards stared at Hank for a minute. They turned their backs and started whispering. "Sir, we don't know what you're talking abou-" the grey one was interrupted by the white one. They turned back around and kept talking. "Uh... sir, are you wishing to use the Vocaplulev?"

"The what now?"

The white one smacked the grey one on the back of his head. "**Shadow, you idiot!** That's classified technology! _Nopony_ is supposed to know about it!"

"Well, then why did you tell me to say it?"

"I _didn't_ tell you to say it, I just told you maybe he was talking about the Vocaplulev!"

"Well, maybe if you were clearer-"

Hank interrupted the arguing duo. "Um, sorry, sirs, but, if I may ask Mr. Shadow here, what exactly is the Vocaplulev?"

Shadow said, without hesitation "Can't tell you, it's classified."

It was at this point that a sound like a television was turned on. "Shadow Bloom?" asked a feminine voice. "Oak Shield? Can I have a word with you two for a moment?"

The two looked at each-other with a look that could only be described as an "Oh-Crap-Now-What" Look.

"Shield, you stay with this guy, I'll go."

"No, Shadow, I insist- you go."

"No really, you can have the privilege of keeping watch on this guy. I'll do the busy-work."

"No, no, I think that honor should go to you."

"Got-dangit, why don't you just both go?" Hank piped up, irritation in his voice.

"Because that would mean that we have to leave you alone, and you'll just break in!" The stallion Hank deduced to be Oak Shields said. "Oh, and I'll just go now and leave you with Shadow Bloom here..." He started to walk away before Shadow blocked him

"Then just take me with you, that way neither of you have to watch me! I'll be _right there_!"

The two looked at each-other. After a short discussion of whether it would be worse to show Hank the top-secret technology or to leave the gates unlocked, Princess Celestia shouted, "**All of you! Shield! Bloom! And... whoever you are, just _come__ here!_**" Shield and Shadow rushed over, dragging Hank along.

"Ah, that's better," she said. Her image was being projected onto a seemingly never-ending stream of water in shockingly good quality. She was a white unicorn-pegasus hybrid, pure white, save for her multicolored hair. Despite the lack of any sound-projection, her voice was crystal clear.

"This is the Vocaplulev..." mumbled Shield in resentment.

"I've noticed that you two have been arguing with this colt for a while. Is there a problem, or..."

"No, your highness," Shadow Bloom said, "Everything's fine. It's just this guy's trying to get into Ponyville without your consent, and you told us no-one is allowed without your permission."

"Well, you haven't asked for my permission yet!"

"Well, it's just that we've been turning away the more suspicious characters. Which has been two. Some zebra and this guy. Who've also been the only two people to show up as of yet. So... yeah. Your highness."

Celestia was about to say something when she turned around shuffling through some papers. She turned around again to look at Hank. "Pardon me, but what's that pony's name? The one that's causing the trouble?"

"Uh, we haven't asked yet, your majesty," replied Shield, sheepishly.

Celestia glared at him. "Well, ask him already!"

The two turned around to look at Hank."Um, what's your name, sir?"

"Hank," he replied, bluntly.

Shield looked at him strangely for a moment, "Uh, is that short for anything, sir?"

"Well, my full name is Hank Hill if that's what you're askin'. Technically it's Hank Rutherford Hill, but I don't know why you would need my middle name."

"No, what I meant was is _Hank_ short for anything? Like Handkerchief? Hankering? Anything? And what's with this weird business in the middle, like, Rougher-Fjord? As in, a more aggressive river?"

"What, no? My name is Hank Rutherford Hill! Why is that so hard to accept?"

"No reason, it's just a weird name. Now, just to be sure, your name is Hank Rutherford Hill?"

"Yes, Hank, H-A-N-K, Rutherford, R-U-T-H-E-R-F-O-R-D, Hill, H-I-L-L! Now do I have to spell it again slower, or do you think you have it?"

"Okay, okay, fine! No need to be so rude!" The two guard turned back around. "It's, uh, Hank Ruffer- Ruthif- uh... Hank... Rutherford? Yeah, Hank Rutherford Hill, your highness!"

Celestia shuffled through the papers again. She looked back up at the guards, down at the paper, up at the guards, down at the paper, et cetera. After a minute or two, she gasped.

"Tell Hank to get his friends and _get the buck up here **right now!**_"

"**Yes, ma'am!**" they both exclaimed in unison. Suddenly, the water stopped flowing, shattering the picture. "So, um, you might want to get your other friends. Apparently, Celestia gives you and them permission. So... yeah. Go on."

And with that, Hank rushed back into the woods to retrieve Dale, Boomhauer, and Bil. _Oh, God_, he thought, _they've probably all got the crap beaten out of them by that zebra chick... there's a sentence I though I'd never hear in my life, let alone say it._

* * *

Celestia sat at her desk. She looked again at the papers. There was a whole bundle of them. Most of them contained what seemed to be gibberish, just random leters and boxes scattered around. The others had semi-cryptic phrasings on it, like, "Haysar C., page 5" or, "Discorabe... page 7" or even "ADF... page 13". After finally painstakingly deciphering every page, and cutting out the boxes, she laid the papers all down on top of each other. It read the following:

"Hello, My Little Alicorn! Guess who?  
Truly, you couldn't have actually thought a simple coat of stone would be enough to hold me, would you. Really, that seems to be your solution to everything; put it in a rock. "Sister's acting up? Put 'er in a rock! Someone trying to start a new kingdom? Put 'im in a rock. The cake delivery guy is five minutes late? Put 'im in a rock." It's a rather stupid plan, if you think about it.  
But I digress. After all, if it wasn't for your citizens' shoddy workmanship, I wouldn't have been able to escape! (Do me a solid and thank those six for not doing their best, m'kay? Also, kudos to Shining Safe and Lock Pick; my escape wouldn't have been possible without them either.) Either way, I haven't stated my new reign of chaos in _this_ universe yet, so I decide to raise a little chaos in other dimensions.  
I think you'll find that I, how do I say this, _imported_ a couple humans into Equestria. And, since I'm generous, here's their names:  
Hank Hill  
Dale Gr-"

That was as far as she had gotten. But that was all she needed to know.

Discord was loose and had opened portals to Equestria.


	3. Something Wicked This Way Comes

Inside Zecora's hut, the three that stayed behind were all arguing, tied up in magically enhanced rope. Partially about who's fault it was that they got caught, but mainly about whether or not it was "manly" to know about and watch "My Little Pony". Dale was arguing that, no, it was the opposite of the epitome of manliness (or the epitome of the opposite of manliness- Dale kept switching the two around.) Boomhauer retorted with the facts that watching a certain show doesn't even affect your status in the manliness territory. When Bill was brought into the equation, he kept wavering and changing sides, saying "Can't we both be right?". Upon being questioned on how they even could both be partially right, he responded with "I don't know, why did you think I was asking you two?"

Unbeknownst to them, Zecora and Hank had simply been watching them argue for a good 5 minutes or so.

"The thieves' nonsense arguments, the pleasure me verily, they blabber on mindlessly, I watch them fight merrily!"

_That pony-princess can wait, watching these idiots argue is more entertaining,_ Hank thought to himself. After a moment, he realized he was placing pleasure above priority, something which Hank hated to do.

"Uh, excuse me, miss?" Hank quickly asked Zecora. "I need my friends back right now, it's really important."

"These are you friends? You said you didn't know these bums! You said they were just some thieves from the slums!"

"Uh, yeah, I know I said I didn't know them, but they're my friends and the pri... prince..." Hank couldn't get a word he thought to be so girly like princess out of his mouth. "The... female in highest authority wants to see them for... something. I don't know what, but-"

"Wait, you say Celestia sent you here? Then go on then, don't let me interfere!" With that she literally shoved Hank and the others out the door, and then some, putting them about halfway from the city gates.

* * *

About one-fourth of the way to the gates, the argument between Dale and Boomhauer had cooled down, particularly after the point Boomhauer brought up the fact that Dale had every Twilight book, movie, and piece of merchandise. Though, he claimed that it was all to check for government devices to brainwash women. And, yes, he _did_ have to purchase the Japanese knockoff items, as well as print out several fanfics. Just in case.

After they finally reached the city gates, Oak Shield stopped Hank again. "Sir, I regret to inform you that the city of Ponyville is temporar-"

"Oh, cut the crap, " Hank said, cutting him off, "you know who I am!"

Shadow Bloom looked over at him. "Oh, yeah, right. Shield, it's that one guy, uh, Ruthless-Fort or something or the other?"

"Oh, yeah, Three-Name, the one the Princess said she wanted! Do you want to walk or be teleported?"

"Wait what?" Hank, Dale and Bill asked in unison.

"Teleported!" said Boomhauer, excitedly, in a voice a bit louder than the rest, drowning them out.

"Okay then," Shadow casually replied. He turned around to talk into the Vocaplulev. "Yeah, uh, Quick Quiver? We're going to pull a Charlie Tango Four, okay?"

A voice responded, "A what now?"

Shadow replied, "We're sending four up to Canterlot."

"Well why didn't you just say 'Teleporting four to Canterlot'?"

"Because Charlie Tango Four sounds cooler, okay?""

"Yeah, whatever you say, Bloom..."

Shadow Bloom turned back around, preparing to fire off a teleportation spell, seemingly unaware that the quartet were arguing on whether or not they should go by telerportation.

* * *

When the quartet was teleported up to Canterlot, Hank and Dale both exclaimed in pain ("Got-**_dang!_**" and "Gih!", respectively.) Boomhauer and, oddly enough, Bill stayed quiet, if not flinched a little (Boomhauer had been training for this moment for all his life, and Bill just didn't react). The guard in Canterlot, Quick Quiver, chuckled a little.

"First time?" he asked.

"Gah, sumva_bitch_ that hurt! And, yes, it was my first time being transported magically, and I intend it to be my last, too!" Hank mumbled a few obscenities regarding how much it hurt to be teleported. He said something along the lines of "Those fellas on Star Trek never got hurt."

Quiver laughed again. "Ah well. Always hurts the first time. Anyway, Princess Celestia said she wanted to see you four, so best not waste any time! Come on, right this way." He entered his horn into a hole in the wall. Both the horn and the wall pulsated with energy. Suddenly, there was a mighty _FWOOM_, and, anticlimactically, the door creaked open a bit. Quiver gently pushed the door, opening it.

The inside of the palace was magnificent. The halls were lined with arcane artifacts, some semi-recognizable, and others that seemed completely foreign to Hank and the others. They couldn't fully appreciate them, however, due to Quiver magically dragging them through the massive castle. Any attempts to slow down, go faster, or diverge from the path resulted in a small electrical shock, something they all learned very quickly. After a good 10 minutes of, well, cantering, they finally reached the Princess's room.

They all expected to see a beautiful bedroom-type room, which happened to have a great view of the country, and maybe a fireplace. What they got, however, was a sort of office, nonetheless a beautiful office. A large oak desk sat in the center of the room, on top of a rug with a sun on it. The walls were lined with books, hundreds, if not thousands of books. Windows lined the wall behind the desk.

And, of course, in the middle of the room was Celestia. She had a worried expression on her face, and was pacing around in the middle of the room. It took her a moment to realize that he five of them had entered the room.

"Quick Quiver, you may go," she said.

"Yes, milady," he replied, trotting back to his base.

"Now, as for you four," she said to Hank and the others, "I need to ask you all a few questions. For example, _**why are you here**_**?**"

"Well, ma'am, I have this theory that these aliens sent by the government-"

"Oh, shut up," Hank said, interrupting Dale. "Er, your highness, y'see, there was this portal, at the base of a tee with all these symbols on it and whatnot. And then, one of us, who will not be mentioned-"

Dale coughed, and it sounded suspiciously like "Boomhauer".

"Suggested that we jump in. And, well, now we're here."

"Uh huh, and did any one of you know where that portal came from?" They all replied with some variation of no. "Well, do any of you know anything about the being known as 'Discord'?"

"Er, no," Hank replied to the alicorn. Boomhauer, by this point, was bouncing up and down in glee, too overjoyed to speak.

Celestia delivered a long, time-consuming talk about the origin, rise, fall, and essentially entire history of Discord. During this speech, Hank slowly lost focus, then regained, then lost it, then regained it, in a cycle of attentiveness. Dale never paid any attention at all, and simply stared out the window. Bill slowly, but surely, fell asleep standing up. Boomhauer, on the other hand, (or, as the situation was, on the other hoof,) attentively wrote down every single word she said.

"...and now, once again, he is loose, and has opened portals to other universes; not only your reality, but dozens of others!" screamed the alicorn, panicking.

"Wait, exactly how many other 'portals to other realities' did this Discord fella open?"

Celestia checked a large stack of papers. "Oh. Well, at the moment, only one, but he could open others! Who knows? He could open the portal to a nightmarish dimension of demons and unholy beings to conquer Equestria!" Celestia drew a long sigh. "So, does everyone understand this?"

"I, uh, sorta missed some of what you said, do you mind doing a recap?" Hank asked, blushing, ashamed he had to ask.

Before Celestia could restart her speech about Discord, Boomhauer cut in. "Yo, dang ol' couple thousand years ago or so, this dadgum thing made of chaos over takes this here land, man, and he turns the entire world into dang ol' insanity! And I tell ya what, this ain't like Gribble's conspiracy conspiracy insane, no man, talkin' 'bout dang ol' exploding milk and soap roads and night and day last two dadgum minutes each man. So the, these two ponies, man, they just go right on in and *chk chk BOOM* tell ya what, now this guy's made of stone, man! So, tell ya what, man, he stays in stone for long, long, long time, then he breaks out and BAM now world's insanity again! But then, these other ponies, *chk chk chk chk chk chk BOOOOOOM* man, but now he ain't in stone, and that's **_bad_**, man, that's **_bad_**," he said, never breathing in during the entire time. He panted for a while, and then promptly passed out.

Hank looked at Celestia. "Now, why couldn't you just explain so we could all understand it, like that?"

Celestia facehoofed. "Regardless of the clarity of anypony's description of the continuous rises and falls of Discord, what's important is, he needs stopped. And, since you were the ones he summoned, I figure that you should be the ones to do battle with him."

At that very moment, not only did Boomhauer regain consciousness, but he also jumped in joy so high and fast, it created a pegasus-shaped hole in the ceiling.

"Er, does he always do that?" Celestia asked.

"Hell, I've never seen anyone do that, let alone him," Hank replied.

"Regardless, we don't know where he is for certain, but we do know that slowly, slowly but surely, he is moving towards us."

"How do you know? Do you have an evil-detecting radar or something? If so, can I have it?" Dale asked.

"No.. it's just... here I'll show you!" Celestia walked out of the room for a second. She walked back in with a pitcher of water and a glass. "Now, watch."

She placed the glass on the floor. There was nothing special about it, it was just an ordinary drinking glass. She poured the water in the glass. There was nothing strange about the water either, it just was tap water. She waited a second...

The water burst into flames. Not, the glass, the water. The glass, however, rapidly changed what type of glass it was. For example, in 30 seconds, it turned into the following: a silver goblet, a paper cup, a golden, jewel-studded goblet, a crude, origami paper cup, a coffee mug, and, strangely enough, a cow skull.

"Damn," Dale said in surprise.

"Oh, but wait, there's more!" She walked out of the room, and grabbed a pack of matches. She lit one, and threw it into the flaming container of water. It all froze over.

"Stand back," she said.

"Wait, why?" Hank asked.

There was a blinding flash of light. The frozen glass was now a bright ball of light, zooming around the room. After about ten seconds or so of bouncing around, it went into the middle of the room. There, it turned into a red and purple neon sign with the words "DISCORD ROOLZ" at the top of it. Under it was two hands (a paw and claw, to be precise) taking turns raising the middle finger (or talon). It had no visible source of power.

"Cool! What else can it do?" Dale asked.

"Never mind that. Oh, and, Bill, you might want to move a bit to the right," Celestia said.

"Wait, how do you know my name?" Bill asked, half-surprised, half-skeptically.

"That's not important, just take a few steps to your right."

"Why?"

Celestia sighed. "That's not important right now, just move!"

"Okay, okay, I'm moving!" he said in fear. He took a few steps to the right.

From above, a voice went "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Boomhauer landed directly on Bill.

"Oh. Oops, I, uh, meant left. Regardless, since we're still trying to pinpoint Discord's exact location, you're all going to need a place to sleep and/or live until we can find him and send you out."

"Wait, what do you mean 'and/_or_' live?" Bill asked, pushing Boomhauer semiconscious, giggling body off himself.

"Oh, um, sorry, bad choice of words! What I mean is, you'll need a place to stay, and live, and enjoy life until we send you out."

"Woah, 'enjoy life _until we send you out_'? This sounds pretty suspicious!" Bill said, angrily and suspicious of the princess.

"No, I mean you'll need a place to stay, then we'll send you out! Ugh!"

Before Bill could say anything he would regret, Hank cut him off, putting his hoof over Bill's mouth. "Okay, that sounds just fine. Where exactly are we going to live?"

"Well," she said with a small smile, "I think I might know a few ponies who would let you stay with them..."

* * *

"Let's see here... 7,042... 7,043... 7,044..."

Twilight was over at Sweet Apple Acres, helping Applejack with the farm-work. Well, she wasn't technically helping with the farm-**work**, she was counting each and every apple that Applejack picked/bucked off the tree.

Applejack kicked another tree, sending a small shower of apples falling down. "Shucks, Twi, ya know I enjoy yer company an' all, but, do ya think ya could be doin' a bit more... ya know... a bit more useful stuff?"

"What?" she scoffed in response. "How is this not helpful? I'm counting the apples for you."

"Uh, yeah, sugarcube, ah figured that out. But, when exactly will this come in handy again?"

"Actually, AJ makes a good point," said Spike. "When will we need this data in reality again?"

"Oh, well lots of times! For example, let's say that-"

Twilight would have gone on to talk about all the opportune moments where it _would_ be useful to know that she had gotten 7,045 apples that month, and 145,998 apples all year when Spike let out a fiery belch, incinerating the top couple of dozen apples on her pile, and sending five relatively small scrolls falling to the ground.

Twilight rubbed a bit of soot off her face and brushed the burning apples off the pile. "Seven-thousand-and-fourteen," she said to herself. "Ooh, what are these?" She picked the scrolls up. Coincidentally, the one that managed to be on top of the pile was addressed to Applejack.

"Um, let's see here," Applejack aid, reading the scroll out loud. "'Dear Applejack, Sendin' down four ponies, ah expect y'all to take care of them, Signed Princess Celestia. P.S., Let Hank stay with ya, ah think he'd like ya.'"

Twilight waited a brief moment. "That's all she wrote?" she asked, confused.

"Uh, yeah! Say, Twi, y'all were from Canterlot before ya moved to Ponyville, right? Ya know who this 'Hank' fella is?"

"Well, not really, I, uh, never got to 'socialize' up there. But he might be some citizen. Or a royal guard! Or even *_gasp_* a close friend of Celestia herself! Oh, you lucky mare you, you could provide a home from one of the princess's peers!"

"Aw, shucks," she said blushing, "ah'm sure it's just some citizen... but, just in case it's one of her friends, ah'll go tidy up a bit! See ya tomorrow!"

"Bye!" Twilight responded, galloping off in the opposite direction. "well, Spike, I guess we should deliver the rest of these, right?"

* * *

She delivered the scrolls to each individual pony. Rarity's instructed her to make some clothes, four shirts and four denim jeans. Pinkie Pie's instructed her to watch over somepony named Dale- not necessarily have him stay over, but just hang out with him. Fluttershy's had her provide some type of space for Dale and some other pony named Bill. And last, but not least, Rainbow Dash's instructed her to let another different pony, Boomhauer, stay in her house.

As she walked home, she felt that something wasn't right, that there was something off-kilter with it all. She couldn't place her hoof on what, but it felt like something was missing. But what?

She walked back into her home and sat down in front of the fireplace, to continue reading her book.

_Ardennes looked up. "Fordlock!" he said, "there's an infinite number of monkeys outside who want to talk to us about this script for Hooflet they've worked out."_

Suddenly, for no apparent reason, it hit her; she hadn't received a scroll.

_What the Tartarus? _she thought._ I'm her #1 student, why wouldn't I get one?_

She trotted over to Spike, annoyed. Spike was in his wicker-basket bed. Twilight poked him. "Spike, can you take a letter for me?"

Spike groaned a bit. "Uhhh... yeah... one second..." He was sweating and clutching his stomach.

"Oh my... Spike, did you eat that one weird looking conglomerate you found behind that dumpster?"

"_**Hit the**** deck!**_" he exclaimed.

"Okay. Wait, why?"

Spike let out an absolutely astonishing belch, producing a flame about ten foot long and five foot around. Out shot around twelve pounds of parchment bundled in a massive scroll that would have hit Twilight right in the head, had she not ducked. It fell to the floor bellow, landing with a mighty *_CRACK_* as it broke a few floorboards.

Spike stood up. 'Whew, that's better!" he said, coughing. "Ack. I think I might need a throat lozenge after that. Be right back!" He walked into the kitchen.

Twilight galloped down to inspect the massive scroll. The seal said "Addressed to Twilight Sparkle." She picked it up to inspect it.

Before she started reading, she looked out at the window. It was an ominous sunset, if that was possible. As the golden sphere sank bellow Ponyville's horizon, a dark mass of clouds gathered in the distance.

* * *

It was an ominous sunset, if that was possible. As the golden sphere sank bellow Arlen's horizon, a dark mass of clouds gathered in the distance.

Bobby walked into the kitchen, where Peggy was standing, staring out the window.

"Mom, where's Dad?" he asked.

"Um, Bobby, let me find a gentle way to explain this to you... huh, guess there is no gentle way. Mr. Gribble has probably gone abso-freakin'-lutely nuts, and is running around in the woods, and it's up to Hank to find him."

Bobby just looked at her. Not sad, or disappointed, or anything, just neutral. "Oh. Okay then." His voice on the other hand was laden with despair. He walked back into the living room and sat down on the couch, watching an episode of _Los Dias_ _y Los Noches de Monsigneur Martinez._

"Vaya con dios," he said, before pulling the trigger on his modified wine goblet, shooting his corrupt twin, Monsigneur Emilio Martinez.

Peggy made sure Bobby wasn't looking, and she got herself a can of Alamo from the fridge. She took a long swig to calm herself down and placed the can down on the counter before rereading one of her favorite books, _A Dinner of Onions._

She was so focused on reading it that she failed to notice that the beer can briefly became a paper cup.


End file.
